just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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