So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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