i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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