I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
