know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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