What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
