It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
