I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone came in the potted fern
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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