New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
