I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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