dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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