Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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