she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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