I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
