Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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