When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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