In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
