I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
