bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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