you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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