I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
