so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
