my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
