so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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