You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize
