Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
