How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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