So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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