I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
