So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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