i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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