party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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