i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
