thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
