last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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