I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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