I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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