my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
