i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
