I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
