dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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