U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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