I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
