Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
