Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
