I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
