just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
