I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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