Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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