my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
