I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
